light will pour out of your eyes

My name is Autumn. This is where I put all of my thoughts.

october 24 0:29

I didn’t really feel like writing yesterday. So I didn’t.

I’ve been tired all day.

It didn’t help that I went to bed at 5:30 and woke up at 9:00.

Smoking helped a lot today. Sometimes all I want to do is get high as fuck and curl up in a nice, warm bed.

Your text was really sweet. Even if you immediately got distracted with an essay afterward. It was bittersweet. I miss you so much and hurts when you say you’re lonely, but it’s because you miss me. I can’t wait to visit you. I actually think you want to see me.

october 22 23:27

I would be lying if I said I was confident in our ability to sustain this long distance thing. I hope we stay together for a long time. You make me happy, but a little part of me is nervous. It’s not that I think one of us will mess it up or that we’ll fall out of love, I’m just scared that we won’t be happy enough. That it will tire us out and that we’ll be forced to end it. We live so close that I hope it’s not the case but our schools are so far away. I’m just scared. I really wish you were here.

october 22 23:11

Today has been calm.

I feel okay. I stayed up until 5:30 this morning so I slept until 16:30 this evening. My sleeping schedule is fucked. I’m going to take some nyquil in a few minutes. It should help me get back on track.

It has been strange though. I stayed in bed even after I woke up, but I’m not sad today. I miss you but it’s okay. I’ll see you soon enough. I didn’t talk to you today either, but that’s okay, too. I know you’re busy. You have classes and work to do and it’s homecoming at your school so I understand why we haven’t talked. It doesn’t mean I’m glad we haven’t, but at least I understand it. It’s a huge relief.

Maybe I’m getting better.

I really hope I am.

october 22 5:00

Joanna Newsom is helping. I think starting a journal is helping, too. Even though it forces me to think about all the bad, it makes me remember the good, too.

I remember that I get to see you in two weeks, and two weeks isn’t so bad. If you really didn’t want to see me, you would tell me. You wouldn’t spend all weekend with a girl if you didn’t really love her, right? No, you wouldn’t. Maybe you’re just busy. Or need your space. I’m okay with that. I don’t want to be pushy.

I do still miss you though. That hasn’t changed. But it’s not the end of the world. Just because I haven’t talked to you for a little while doesn’t mean you hate me.

Someone tried to tell me any guy who would make me feel like this isn’t good for me. But you are. Because I make myself feel like this. You help me feel better. I need you.

october 22 4:07

i want to believe you but i think you’re just happier when you’re not talking to me everyday.

october 21 11:55

it’s getting harder and harder to convince myself to go to class.

i should just drop out.

and build a log cabin in the woods. then i wouldn’t have to deal with people anymore.

what a life.

 

L: i still miss you.

i don’t think you miss me.

but don’t feel bad. i understand, it’s really hard to miss someone like me.

i wouldn’t miss me either.

 

K: i think it’s really shitty the way you brushed off my eating disorder when i told you about. i know that i thought i was better but your blank, uncaring stare didn’t help. i love you and you’re one of my best friends but you don’t understand how fucking rude you are sometimes. and the fact that you made that post about how “girls are starving themselves to be skinny and you can eat everything in the refrigerator” really pissed me off. did you think that was an okay thing to post not twenty minutes after i told you i used to go days without eating? maybe you’re just careless but i don’t think so. i think you know exactly what you were doing. and you need to stop all of the jokes about how i’m just a bitch and that’s my personality. maybe i say bitchy things sometimes but i think it’s really obnoxious that you don’t realize how rude you’re being when you say that. it’s one thing when i joke about it, it’s another when you flat out introduce me to someone as a bitch or say “i’m sorry, that’s just her personality”. no, it’s not. i don’t just go around saying whatever the fuck i want to just anyone. chances are if someone is experiencing bitchy me it’s because they’ve done something wrong. maybe that’s why you always see the bitchy side of me. because you’re fucking rude.

 

D: i’m really sorry about things between you and that girl. i’m glad i have someone to talk to even if your a million miles away. i like that you understand me. it feels weird not being able to hang out with you all the time, like we used to. i wish that everyone could understand what this feels like. i think it’s more than self-pity and no one sees how bad it gets. no one sees you when you’re in the bathroom carving up your legs with a pair of scissors. no one sees me when i’m putting out cigarettes on my arm, or refusing food. it’s just the way we deal. it’s the way we deal with feeling inadequate. i wish you could be happy. you don’t realize what an amazing person you are.

 

i feel like i’m clinging to false hope and i know i’ll never let go, so i’m just waiting for it to snap so i can plummet into this fucking never ending cycle of self-hatred and misery.

october 21 2:59

i keep forgetting why i’m sad. when i remember, it hurts that much worse.

this is too much.

i need to sleep, i have class tomorrow.

i don’t want to go. i want to stay in bed.

i wish every little thing wasn’t so triggering.

feel fat. don’t eat.

see skinny girls. don’t eat.

feel sad. don’t eat.

feel lonely. don’t eat.

october 21 2:34

i want to sleep. i can’t. i want to be skinny. i can’t. i want to pretty. i can’t. i want to be happy. i can’t.

there has to be something more than this.

there has to be something more than late nights, crying, and self-loathing. maybe i can get better.

i can’t.

i had so much to eat today. soup, grilled cheese, salad.

the salad was okay. the grilled cheese was so greasy. i bet the soup was full of calories.

i ate at least 500 calories.

i feel so fucking fat.

i hate my thighs, i hate my arms, i hate my stomach, i hate my body.

i have to fast.

i have to run.

i wonder if they know i fainted because i hadn’t been eating…

no.

they don’t.

no one cares enough to notice.

no one cares.

i’m in pain all the time.

and no one notices.

i feel like people think i’m lying whenever i say i have an eating disorder

it’s like i can’t feel them thinking “only skinny girls have eating disorders. she’s too fat to have one.”

maybe if i was thirty pounds lighter they would believe me.

this is the worst feeling.

october 20 23:47

I’m sorry that I’m so needy. I’m sorry it hurts so much to go one day without talking to you. I’m sorry you got saddled with a crazy girl and I’m sorry I’m not enough for you. I’m trying to be. And when I’m smart and funny and pretty and skinny, maybe you can tell me you love me and mean it.

I know it’s hard when I’m so obnoxious. I’m trying. I promise. I just want you to know that you mean everything to me right now. I need you to know.

Everyday I think about how much I miss you. This isn’t fair. If I could, I would go back to summer. When you were just down the street from me. I liked that. Now you’re so far away and I never get to see you. I wish you knew how much this hurts me. It’s not just the distance, it’s the thought that you might not miss me as much as I miss you. It’s the thought that when we don’t talk, you might be happy that you don’t have to deal with me for just one day. It’s the thought that you’ll find someone prettier, smarter, and funnier to care about. It’s the thought that even if you do care about me, you might forget why and find someone new.

Sometimes I just need you to say “I miss you.” or tell me you think I’m pretty. It’s really all I need. I just need to know that you think I’m good enough for you, even if I don’t.

It hurts so much to think that you don’t care. And it hurts even more that I can’t tell you all of this because I think it will scare you away.

My new favorite sensation is waking up next to you in the morning. And now, when I wake up by myself every morning, I feel so lonely. I feel like part of me isn’t there. It’s like someone ripped out my heart and there’s just a void left. So I go through my morning feeling numb and when it hits me that I still have x hours left before the day passes, I can feel a weight in my chest. Because that means only one more day has passed and I still have x weeks before I get to see you.

I’m sorry that this sounds so self-pitying. It’s all I know how to feel sometimes. I wish I could get better. I wish I could be happy. I think that you would be happier with someone normal, someone better than me.

I wish I could just stop convincing myself that everything you’ve said to me is out of pity. I wonder why someone would love and I remember that they wouldn’t. I know that my self-hating attitude will be the downfall of our relationship. There will be a day when you can’t take it anymore. You’ll tell me that no matter how hard you try, you just can’t change my mind and that you can’t handle all of my drama anymore.

I keep checking my phone thinking maybe I just didn’t hear it go off. Even though I know you haven’t called or texted, it still feels like a knife in my heart when I see there’s nothing there. I hope that I can stop this constant need for your attention, eventually. I just pray I do before it’s too late.

I can feel the sadness welling up inside of me. It’s happening all over again. I wish I could be happy.

My throat hurts from choking back tears. My roommate is up and I don’t want her to feel awkward. I want to cry. I want to scream. I wish you could understand how this feels. I’m going out to smoke the last of my cigarettes. Maybe I’ll feel better but I don’t think I will. I can hope though.

I wish I could just stop feeling anything.